


I would be beside you

by FreyaDuLac



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Depression, F/M, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Magic Revealed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-03
Updated: 2017-07-10
Packaged: 2018-11-08 08:35:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11077929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FreyaDuLac/pseuds/FreyaDuLac
Summary: Four times, when Merlin visit the Lake of Avalon.Phildel - Beside you





	1. In my symbolised world

**Author's Note:**

> Post season 2.

Camelot could catch a breath for a while. The Great Dragon was no longer the danger for the country, they all are thinking that he is dead. But Merlin could not kill him, just could not. He almost killed Morgana, that was more than he could bear, he just... couldn't. No always the Dragon and him was getting along. Both sides said many biting words to the other. They were kin now, Merlin could feel this. He couldn't lose another... person? close to him.

He came at the Lake, it was wonderful at this part of the year. The golden and red leaves floating on the water closer the coast and dark blue water on the centre of the lake. And this mountains... this mountains. They could be happy there in small hut unter the hill and close to lake. As they both dreams about it. But he has destiny, that demanded sacrifices, but why he had to sacrifice people that he cared the most?

\- Hello Freya. - he spoke to the emptiness. 

He looked at the lake like he would look at the grave. Because it was a grave for his lover in some way. He didn't know that day, how many people will buried there, how many the closest people' ashes that lake will be ready to hold. At that moment, it was only Freya's grave. First and Only woman he ever loved in this way as he loved her. She was perfect in every way. When she smiled, he couldn't think about anything. She was angel... she didn't deserve her fate, she deserved much better. 

\- It was bussy time in Camelot, you know? - he was talking to her, like she could hear him. 

He needed that, talk to her. Someone who could understand him. Merlin always could talk with Gaius about all problems, but this was not the same. He was like father to him... regardless that he lose one father before he could truly get to know him. But at this moment he didn't need a father, he needed a partner. Someone who would listen to him, not judge, not even advice, just listen and be there for him. 

\- So many things happened. I had to poison my friend, I became the dragonlord, Arthur is still a prat. - he laughed short at this last one. - Morgana, the Lady from I stole the dress for you. - he smiled at that memory. -... was anchor to the curse. I had to save the Camelot, Arthur. I had to... no. I didn't have to. That was my choice. 

He was arguing with himself at that moment. If he had choice or no. There is always a choice, somebody told him once. But at that time, he didn't see any besides this one, still didn't see another way. 

\- I almost murderer. It was so hard... but there was no other way. I'm telling that to myself, maybe one I would belive in that. - he snorted.

Lie repeated many times becomes truth, right? 

\- But this is only begining... I freed the Great Dragon. I hoped that he would fly away, enjoy the freedom or something like that... but no. He attacked Camelot, so many people died because of me. Because of my choice. - his voice was angry and depresed at once. 

He looked at the trees close to the lake, he heard the wind between them, quiet hum. It suposed to be soothing, but it wasn't. Nothing could calm Merlin at this moment, too many things he had on this shoulders. Too many battles he must fight alone, and it was only begining of his journey. How will he handle this in the future? 

\- I'm only peasant boy, servant. Why do I have to decide what is better, why do I have to decide about lifes of all people of Camelot? I wanted good thing, you know? - he was uncertain if Freya would think in the same way. She could see him as evil person, evil sorcerer. 

\- Freeing the Dragon... I-I... I thought that he would fly away, honestly! He always belived in Camelot, in... not always but in me, in Arthur. I should suspect... but... I wanted to belive there is good inside him, that he wouldn't harm innocent. I was so wrong. I'm naive. - he bridled. 

Arthur was on the the training with knights now, he didn't need him to the evening. Merlin had time to spend with... love of his live. Shame, that she is dead and she couldn't spend that time with him. Bitterness in his heart was unbearable, he had to do something with it, but he quessed that only time can heal that kind of wounds. 

\- I know that you wouldn't anwer me... You are dead. But... sometimes I think what it would look like, you know? What-if. If we run away from Camelot, live in some lovely place. If you weren't dead. I loved you! - he cried and knelt on his knees. 

He felt so weak sometimes. Times like this. He could put down the mask of happy-boy, and show that he is only human, that he can be in pain too. Is not invincible, indestructible. So weak. He felt like old man now, and he knew that this is only start. Morgana and her sister are still somewhere, Arthur is not a king yet. It is long road before him, and he felt so weak now. He lost Freya, his father in so short time. 

\- I'm sorry. I shouldn't shout at you. I... wanna you to know, that I think about simplified world, where everything would be easy, and we could be together... I want so much that world to be real. But it can't. It is no fairytale. - he smiled sad. 

He stood up and  brushed his knees. He looked at he lake, it was so calm... and silent. He smiled, and he turned back. He had to come back to the Camelot. His cursed destiny needed him, as always. 


	2. We're a boy and a girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> post season 3

Freya. He saw her reflection in the water from Avalon. She was beautiful, as he remembered her. "I moved on' said to himself many times. But when he saw her that day. He felt this again. Faster heartbeat, butterflies in the stomach... and the sad, guilt. That impossible mixture was unbearable. He couldn't touch her, that was only short talk, she wasn't even there... but that was enough to him to felt this again. He saw Gwen and Arthur, they finally showed more feeling to each other. Merlin was happy of them, but then he though about him and Freya. Why he couldn't be happy like them? Maybe it was his destiny. Be alone. Freya was little light in his more and more darker world, and She was taken from him before they could really be happy . Maybe... She died because of him? He wanted to run away from Camelot with her, maybe she died because she wanted to pull away him from his destiny? He didn't want to think about it... he felt only more guilty.

But he had oportunity to saw her again. That was terrible and terrific in this same time... and he would give his live, to get that chance again.

Few days after he pushed the sword into stone, where _no one could wield it,_ as dragon said, he came to the lake, and sat on the rock. He started thinking about how Freya could talked to him by the water. If she was still alive in some way. Some twisted-magical-strange way. She pulled away the sword from the bottom of lake, right? Despite of all his great powers he couldn't understand that one thing. Maybe he didn't want to. He like idea of her being alive. Even in this strange way. He didn't want to analyze that. He prefered thinking that she is here somehow, and she is hearing everything that he say, even if she can't answered.

\- It was good to saw you again. - he said with smile he wanted to say something more, but...

\- Merlin, what are you doing here? - Merlin heard the familiar male voice, he turned around. Lancelot.

\- I co-could ask the same. - Merlin said.

\- Arthur was looking for you, Gaius told me you sneak away from the castle this morning... I tought you may have some trouble. - Knight answered without delay. Arthur said that Merlin have free morning after the breakfast, that he will have work to do at noon. At that moment was still morning, maybe 10 o'clock or something like that. But this is Arthur, he easy changes his mind about Merlin's work. Lancelot as always wanted to help Merlin, that he hadn't to fight with his magic alone. Merlin was not specially careful about didn't leave any leads where he went, so Lancelot probably tracked him every quickly.

\- There is no trouble... no magical dangerous. You can go back to Camelot, tell Arthur I will be as soon as possible... that I'm picking up some herbs for Gaius. - Merlin said, and turned his eyes to the Lake again. To the grave of his girlfriend and his father.

Lancelot was standing there still, he didn't know what to do honestly. There was something, but he was doubting that Merlin would lie to him about magic stuff.

\- You don't. So... what are you doing here? - he asked his friend, and came closer to him, Lancelot looked at the Lake too. It was breathtaking view. Water like a crystal, white mountains covered in snow.

\- I came here to clean my mind. - Warlock replied, shrugging. 

His voice was calm, other knights and Arthur may said that this kind of voice don't match for Merlin, but Lancelot knew nim better than them. He knew how many battles Merlin fought alone,  how many he sacrificed for his destiny. Lancelot buried his sword into the sand, and sat next to Merlin.   


\- What is this about? - he asked, Lancelot didn't want to leave him alone, no matter what is bothering him. 

\- You know the feeling, having 'what-if' - Merlin laughed short and sad. - This feeling, when are you watching Gwen and Arthur. - he looked at his friend with serious face. Knight didn't know for a while what he supposed to say. Maybe they are friends, but Merlin is also Arthur's best friend (no matter that both sides wouldn't addmited), so talking about his feelings to Gwen... was not easy. Before Lancelot said something, Merlin continued. 

\- I just looked at them, and I'm thinking about my own life. I'm Emrys, and that kind of staff, but also I have feelings, something that this prat, who was writing my destiny, completely forgot. - he was talking with sad smile on his lips. - I just looked at them, and wondering why I and Freya didn't have happy ending. - he sighed hard. 

\- Freya? - Lancelot asked. 

Merlin looked at him, realizing that Lancelot may know him better than the others, but even he don't know everything. Freya. About her know only Gaius, but Gaius know almost every part of Merlin's life, so that doesn't count. 

\- The girl I met few years ago. She was... special. - he replied. 

_Was?_ Lancelot thought but didn't ask, he was not nosy. If Merlin want tell him this story, he will tell.

\- I helped her escape from the cage, she was sold to Uther as "magical person". You know, someone to execute immediately. I was hiding her, I stolen Arthur's food and Morgana's dress for her. - he smiled faintly to this memories.

\- You risked much, stealing? I didn't suspect you Merlin. - Lancelot smiled, trying to not pulling his friend into more depressed mood.

\- For her I could steal all Camelot. Maybe with my powers I could do that actually. - he answered.

Freya was... was. There is no word that could describe her, every word was too small. That was short episode in his life, she didn't live long, but... it left a sign.

\- What did happened? - Lancelot asked carefully.

Merlin told his friend all story of his unhappy love. That Freya was cursed, why she was cursed, every meeting with her, all what he had done for her. First kiss. Strawberries. Bastet. That he had wanted to leave Camelot with her to some place like this. With lake.

\- You wanted abandon your destiny? -  Lancelot asked with surprise. Merlin was loyal to Arthur like a dog, he find hard to think that he could thinking about runing away with some girl... but power of love.

\- Arthur wanted to disclaim his right to the trone for Gwen. - he replied, watching the lake.

Arthur was ready to abandon his desitny for Gwen, just like this. Gwen was in danger, he just cried to his father, that he didn't want to be king if he can't be with Gwen. It was that simple for him, maybe because he didn't know the burden of destiny, but he was ready to acted against it, just for the girl, why Merlin had to be so much diffrent?

\- Sometimes I think that I'm not destined to be happy - Merlin sighned hard.

\- I know this feeling. - Lancelot answered with weak smile on his lips.

They looked at each other, and siting there for while in silence, after that they had to come back to Camelot.


	3. In my house on the hill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> post season 4

Again, he came to the lake. Last time, when he was here... he buried Lancelot here. He deserved good funeral, even if in Camelot he was called traitor. They didn't know the truth, Merlin didn't know how to tell Arthur about it without reveal himself. He was thinking about that, but he couldn't with Agravaine in Camelot, he would tell Morgana, without doubt, and Lancelot wouldn't want that Merlin risked for him. Merlin knew that. He was the bravest and the noblest of them all really.

So this time He had two ghosts in this bloody lake of Avalon. This lake was changing into cementary for his friends. Was prove that Great Emrys is not so Great, that even he could not save everyone, even he tried so hard to do so.

\- Hi Freya... Lancelot. - he started with sad smile, and sat on the coat.

It was cold day, and being around water didn't make things better, but Merlin didn't care about this in this time. He just wanted to spend some time with his friends who understand him, who knew him. Even if they are dead, he felt free here.

\- I wanted to tell Arthur you know? To tell about my Magic. I don't want to hide longer... but he is thinking that magic killed his father if he knew that the Dragoon was me... - he break, and put hand on his mouth, trying to calm himself and don't cry. Yeah, he wanted to cry about his fucking fate... or destiny. Whatever. Sometimes it was just to much for him. Just to much for one man.

\- He would think I betrayed him. Another betrayal in his life. - Merlin continued, but after this words he went silent, like he was waiting for some answer, but he knew that nobody could answered him. He looked at the place, where Lancelot was siting with him some time ago, he smiled a little, but after second, he became sad again. He was broken, that is truth. Mighty Emrys was so destoryed. 

-... even if he could accept that, Morgana is sill somewhere, she is still danger, and she can't know. - He added after while. 

\- Sometimes I think when this end? All my destiny. From years I'm hearing about great Albion, wait for the Golden Age... and everytime, every year I feel like I'm further from this, and further. Arthur hates magic after what happened to Uther... I let you Lancelot die. I fucked up. - he said to the emptiness of the lake. Still, no answer. Dead people don't answer, he should know that. 

\- I want this all to end. Arthur to be happy king in safe kingdom, with his lovely wife. Golden Age. Magic Free... I just must kill Morgana, her death can make this. I know that I'm destined to kill her, and I will do it. I will always feel like I failed her, but she is my mistake, and I must repare that. Even if that mean her death. This mean her death. I don't have anything to say. Fucking Destiny. - he threw what lay in his heart, he sighed hard. Probably now Kilgarrah should show up, and started talking his riddles about Emrys and Once and Future King, about great albion, have faith, bla bla bla... 

\- I want so badly met with you two, to see you again. - He sighed. 

-... but probably that never gonna happen. Emrys is Immortal. Yeah? - He murmured. This is so wrong, why he had to suffer so much, and even he can die to get some peace? He looked at the lake, and he stood up. 

\- Goodbye. I will come soon, I guess. - He said quickly. He felt like the longer he is talking the much he wanted to fell apart, so he returned to Camelot, to became happy, stupid King's servant. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It became farmer than I planned.


	4. There is room for you still

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Post season 5

It was it.

All of the story.

Arthur was dead. His role was done, he failed. He should kill Mordred when He had a chance. Change the destiny. But no. He create it. He create Morgana and Mordred. It was all his fault. His story was finished. Now, he have to waiting for Arthur, goddess know how long. He wanted reunite with his friends, dead friends. Freya, Lancelot, Elyan, Arthur... with people who have already died, and with those who will die. Gaius feels worse last times, he is old. He was old when Merlin came to Camelot! He will be not able to make his duties. Gwen proposed him the role. Merlin, as court sorcerer and psyhician. Nah. It is not gonna happen. He can't replace Gaius. He will never be as good as Gaius is. He even didn't want to be Court Sorcerer, because it was meaningless without Arthur. What was the point of creating Albion, if they could live in it? He felt... that he is no longer fitting to this world. He is just too old to be happy. After visiting Crystal Cave, he know his true potencial, and this was not something what he like. He is living avatar of magic, he was not even human, just magic who thought that he is human, but if it was true, why does he still feel pain?

\- Hey my Dear. - He said, when he was walking by the egde of the Lake. - My dear Lady of the Lake. - he laughed, but it was laughter full of despair.

\- I'm going to leave Camelot. I know, that you Arthur wouldn't support it... but now it is finally safe. My role is done, and I don't fit there anymore. Like I was not fitting in Ealdor. - he said, walking by the lake. 

\- The Great Dragon is Dead, 'Thusy decided to look if there is other dragons somewhere in world. - Merlin sighed hard. - Gwen is... pregnant, you know? She will born Arthur's heir. That is good I quess. But I found out, that... I no longer care. I should care, but I don't. 

Truth was painful, He really no longer cares about individuals, he looks at the world from bigger perspective. Sometimes one person can change history, but not everyone. Many people live, die and are forgotten. Arthur will be remembered by thousands of years, but nobody will remember somebody like Sophia, random Arthur's enemy who was destroyed because she was standing against them, she was already forgotten. But in this story were people, who will be remembered by human history. 

\- We created a great story, which will be remembered by many. I quess it was really good story. - Merlin said, looking at the lake, and still walking. - There was friendship. 

_ They were going against Dorocha. They both was thinking that they are going to die. Arthur wanted sacrafice himself, and Merlin knew that he can't allow that. Knights were sleeping, only Arthur and Merlin were awake, and they were looking at fire in silence, finally Arthur broke it.  _

_ \- All the things I've faced...I never worried about dying. \- Arthur whispered.  _

_ \- I don't think you should now. \- Merlin's answer was automatic, and made Arthur suprised.  _

_ \- Sometimes you puzzle me. \- He said after a while, he didn't know  what he should say. Merlin was... strange sometime. Wise... nah, it was not good word to describe Merlin, but sometimes he really seemed to be wise.  _

_ \- You never fathomed me out? _

_ \- No. - Arthur answered without hesitation and looked again at the fire.  _

_ \- I always thought if things had been different, we'd've been good friends. _

_ Arthur only murmured 'yeah'.  _

_ \- That's if you hadn't been such an arrogant, pompous, dollop head. - Merlin said and smiled, none of them was in mood to laugh, but it was something good. Light in the darkness, good memories, when they was insulting each other, now they are going to die. Arthur chuckled.  _

_ \- That is what you have to remember, things never turn out like you expect.... - Merlin hesitated, and looked at Arthur. - You will see - and turn his look at fire. There was silent between them, Arthur was waiting what Merlin wanted to say, and Merlin couldn't find good words.  _

_ \- We will defeat the Dorocha. We will. Together.  _

_ \- I appreciate that. \- Arthur didn't know what else he could say. It was this weird moment where Merlin was so wise and hopeful. Then, Arthur turned and took something from his personal things. He took small purse, and pull out something from it. It was sigil.  _

_ \- It was belonged to my mother. - he said. - This is her sigil. - he  explained and He rubbed it. - Here, take it. - He handed it to Merlin. Warlock took it, and looked at it with doubt, then he looked at Arthur.  _

_ \- Arthur, I can't. - he started, but Arthur interupted him.  _

_ \- Just... take it. - Arthur looked in his eyes. Merlin couldn't say no. Not in this moment, even if he thought that he can't accept this gift... he was going to die today anyway, Arthur will retake it from his body.  
_

\- There was Betrayal and vengeful antagonists. \- he said next.  


_ Uther was standing in his cell. He was no longer King, his own ward, his own daughter droned him, made friends with the enemy. He looked via small window in his cell, he saw the yard, where Morgana's people was bulding gallows. Then, he heard someone in the dungeons, he looked in corridor direction and then he saw Morgana.  _

_ \- What are you become - he said with numb voice.  _

_ -  It is unfortunate, but this is the way that Monarch must deal with his enemies. - Morgana said, looking at the wall, but then he looked at her father. - It is what you taught me, father. - she raised her bow.  
_

_ \- I blame Morgause's magic, she corrupted you. - he couldn't believe that his Morgana could to such a thing. _

_ \- Once again how wrong you are. - She said, shaking her head. - Morgause saved me. Made me feel I wasn't a monster. I didn't choice my gifts like I didn't choice my father. - She hissed. - Yes, Magic made me who I'm, but so did you, Uther Pendragon. - she came closer to him, looking in his eyes, he stepped back.  _

_ \- Truth hurts, doesn't it? - she asked.  _

_ \- Kill me. End my misery - Uther was already broken.  _

_ \- No. - Morgana answered with certain in her voice. - I want you to live long enough to see Arthur's death by my hand. - she smirked and then she left her father alone in the cell, leaving him for his own thoughts.  _

-... some love story. - next thing that Merlin said, looking at the lake, he sighed hard, when he remembered him and Freya. They didn't have long time, but he never loved once more. She was the only one.  


  
_\- You remembered. - she whispered, looking at the lake and mountains._

_\- Of course. I'm so sorry for what that sorcerer did to you. - He couldn't stop his tears, he couldn't save her, he tried, but he couldn't. Wound was too deep, and he was rubbish at healing spells._

_\- Merlin, you have nothing to be sorry for. - she smiled with l ast strength.  
_

_\- There must be something I can do, some way to save you. - he looked at her body in Morgana's dress. Freya was still bleeding, he tried to stop this, but there was nothing that he could do._

_\- You've already saved me. You made me feel loved. - She whispered with smile, looking into his blue eyes with love and pain._

_\- I don't want you to go. - Merlin answered w ith desperation._

_\- One day, Merlin, I will repay you. I promise. - She promised and later... she was gone.  
_

He stoped at some point of his walk, and sighed again. 

\- That was good story. - he said. - In the end... we are only story. - he added, and then he left the lake side, he left Camelot... he left everything.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This two scenes - with sigil and Morgana and Uther - are deleted scenes from tv show :)


End file.
